I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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