I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
