Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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