Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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