it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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