I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
