The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
It's Friday. Sex?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
