i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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