Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
