I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
