I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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