Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize
