She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
