i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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