my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
