i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize