I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
