your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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