I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
