guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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