You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
