btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
