First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
