I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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