i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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