god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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