it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
