Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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