wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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