my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Don't EVER smell your tampon
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
