last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
