he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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