Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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