I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
