It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
