Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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