my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
