i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
