Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Randomize
