They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Randomize
