textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
