Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
