Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
