I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
