The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
