I need help removing her.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
