I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
