Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
