you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize