I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
