apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
