Nicole vs. Life
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
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