I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
She said her name was "party"
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
