you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
