You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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