My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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