I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
