FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
