Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
